the last time i was this productive (creatively speaking) was while working on within arm’s reach, and before that, it was during covid, back when i picked up bosca ceoil and studied a bit of music theory. at some point i should probably give that another go, but right now i don’t have a project that really calls for any tunes.

so, yeah! i’ve been learning so much about web design lately, and i’m finally at a point where i can troubleshoot things on my own, which is such a huge improvement from 2 weeks ago in which i still struggled to wrap my head around the difference between classes and ids, or how flexbox worked. on top of that, i started messing around with 3d modeling, which has been on my bucket list for at least 3 years! it still blows my mind that just a month ago i was looking at 3d decorations online thinking “wow, i could never make something like this.” and now i actually can. once i set up a gallery on this site, i’ll share them (they’re obviously way below my 2d skillset, but hey! small victories.)

in the meantime, i’m still figuring out what to do work-wise.

a little bit of context: my main thing is that i work as a colorist for a well-known italian comic artist. the workload changes month by month—sometimes it’s just enough to cover food (just food. no other basic necessities), other times it’s a full-on livable income. of course it all depends on how many comic pages he has for me. it’s clearly meant to be a side gig, and ideally i should be doing online commissions on the side too, but over the years i’ve been doing less and less of that because, to put it simply, drawing has started to really stress me out to a degree which i can’t bring myself to do it when i don’t want to.

a few months ago, a friend mentioned a 5 month course for becoming an administrative assistant which, at the end, helps you connect with offices to ensure you at least get a few calls. i called, and it sounded like something i could handle—even if it's full of interruptions and involves dealing with people. the plan was to do it part-time while continuing to color for the comic artist.

but then, right around that time, i got a huge amount of work from him and i realized something: there’s no standard part-time job that would let me keep this side gig. sometimes the coloring takes up so many hours in a day, for weeks on end, that it just wouldn’t be compatible.

this is something i should have already realized months ago, when i worked part-time at a fast food chain for a month, and during that time, a big project came in. i had to ask a friend to help me with some of the pages because there literally weren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.

the thing is, i am not willing to give up this gig. it’s a type of work i enjoy, with a guy who is nice, pays on time, keeps coming back, and with a good hourly pay that i could never get anywhere in retail or any other job with my current skillset. it would be absurd to throw this away for a job i will most likely hate, so the next best thing is to find a job around this project-based work.

so now i’m thinking of applying to the place where my partner works. it’s basically museum security, but it’s an on-call contract and you choose the days you work (they can be as little as one day per week, up to 6 days a week). only issue would be that you must give your availability weeks in advance, but that’s still a more versatile alternative to a standard job.

well, i have two months to think about it: i have a lot of pages queued up that i’ve already started on. i’m trying this new thing of like, working 5 days and resting 2, you know, like normal people. because usually my mo is that i work 18 consecutive days and then i can’t even look at the folder for two weeks, so i figured that since i’m turning 30 this year it was time to establish a better work-life balance. to brighter days!

well here we are. this page is here because despite being my worst hater, i’m also my biggest fan when it comes to reminiscing about my younger self. i wanted a place to document my thoughts, how i feel, and maybe some cool things that might happen in the future... we'll see!

so i'll start this journal entry off by telling you what prompted me to create this website, which is only a few days old so far.

long story short, a fanfiction made me do it.

well, not exactly: i came across this long story about a fictional character i really like, and was moved by how much the author's passion for the subjects that were explored shone through the text. it was a story like many others, i suppose, but i have always held a deep admiration towards unbridled, unrestrained honesty, and the vulnerability that comes with it. am i making sense?

anyways, back to the fanfiction: i had a mental breakdown due to the comparison with my own life, which felt extremely devoid of interests when compared to theirs, in relation to making things. not to mention the deep sense of shame i had always felt whenever i tried sharing anything that related to myself, ailed almost everyday by the amount of doomscrolling i subjected myself to.

this is tied to the strained relationship i have with both art and writing, and the bottom line of it all: i don't feel very strongly about my own interests, and as such, i never know what to draw, write, or create about.

i decided i had to busy myself in some way. some way that i could learn the technicality of, without needing to be creative every step of the way.

i have been making small edits to my and my friends' tumblr themes for a few years, but my knowledge was solely html related (no css) and mostly limited to paragraphs and headers. but i always liked the idea of web design, so i figured i'd start somewhere

i originally started out with my homepage (not the one you currently see at the time i'm writing this, which is a placeholder) and sulked about not having 'the vision'. as in, i didn't know how to style it in a way that felt like it represented me. after getting out of my head and setting that issue aside, i thought of starting out with smaller pages. game reviews, a journal, both of which had a more specific idea behind them and were easier to visualize thanks to the many neocities pages i could take inspiration from. and i'll be honest with you: i have never been as joyful as i have been these days. even when it has taken me entire hours to figure a small thing out, it was just so wonderful to see the pages come to life.

i don't know how long i'll keep at it, but it feels like i haven't had a hobby in 15 years. doing something fun that isn't drawing, for once, and not with the capitalist mindset of monetizing this skill, is giving me a lot of hope for better days.

shame has been a huge ball and chain tied to my ankle growing up, well into my adulthood, and i feel washed out by the weight of it. i am a firm believer in cringe being dead, but i’m hoping to extend that sentiment i reserve for others to myself as well.

through this website, i am hoping to continue having fun without feeling the need to make things that are perfect, or even good.

i'll leave you with one of my favorite pics:

PS: the scrapbook was put together by my partner!