well here we are. this page is here because despite being my worst hater, i’m also my biggest fan when it comes to reminiscing about my younger self. i wanted a place to document my thoughts, how i feel, and maybe some cool things that might happen in the future... we'll see!

so i'll start this journal entry off by telling you what prompted me to create this website, which is only a few days old so far.

long story short, a fanfiction made me do it.

well, not exactly: i came across this long story about a fictional character i really like, and was moved by how much the author's passion for the subjects that were explored shone through the text. it was a story like many others, i suppose, but i have always held a deep admiration towards unbridled, unrestrained honesty, and the vulnerability that comes with it. am i making sense?

anyways, back to the fanfiction: i had a mental breakdown due to the comparison with my own life, which felt extremely devoid of interests when compared to theirs, in relation to making things. not to mention the deep sense of shame i had always felt whenever i tried sharing anything that related to myself, ailed almost everyday by the amount of doomscrolling i subjected myself to.

this is tied to the strained relationship i have with both art and writing, and the bottom line of it all: i don't feel very strongly about my own interests, and as such, i never know what to draw, write, or create about.

i decided i had to busy myself in some way. some way that i could learn the technicality of, without needing to be creative every step of the way.

i have been making small edits to my and my friends' tumblr themes for a few years, but my knowledge was solely html related (no css) and mostly limited to paragraphs and headers. but i always liked the idea of web design, so i figured i'd start somewhere.

i originally started out with my homepage (not the one you currently see at the time i'm writing this, which is a placeholder) and sulked about not having 'the vision'. as in, i didn't know how to style it in a way that felt like it represented me. after getting out of my head and setting that issue aside, i thought of starting out with smaller pages. game reviews, a journal, both of which had a more specific idea behind them and were easier to visualize thanks to the many neocities pages i could take inspiration from. and i'll be honest with you: i have never been as joyful as i have been these days. even when it has taken me entire hours to figure a small thing out, it was just so wonderful to see the pages come to life.

i don't know how long i'll keep at it, but it feels like i haven't had a hobby in 15 years. doing something fun that isn't drawing, for once, and not with the capitalist mindset of monetizing this skill, is giving me a lot of hope for better days.

shame has been a huge ball and chain tied to my ankle growing up, well into my adulthood, and i feel washed out by the weight of it. i am a firm believer in cringe being dead, but i’m hoping to extend that sentiment i reserve for others to myself as well.

through this website, i am hoping to continue having fun without feeling the need to make things that are perfect, or even good.

i'll leave you with one of my favorite pics:

ps: my partner made this scrapbook spread for me!