#3

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i wish i could say lots of cool crazy stuff happened this past month, but i’ve mostly spent it working and gaming with friends.

aside from the usual league of legends, i’ve also picked up hearthstone, specifically battlegrounds. it’s so cool! i’ve never played an auto battler so it took me a while to pick all the terminology up, but i’m starting to get it now. look at these little boars on the right :) sadly they’re not in this patch anymore, but i’ll live…

i’ve also been enjoying the game peak with my friends: it’s pretty hard, i wasn’t expecting that from a co-op game of this sort! but i’m excited to explore it further, and with it being pretty cheap, it’s also giving me an excuse to play with some friends that i don’t have any other games in common with.

so that’s been fun! on the other hand, playing several hours everyday feels very similar in nature in terms of going on autopilot about life: i’m less inclined to say no to endless hours of discord vc when friends are involved, and it’s difficult to log off and do something new or productive everyday so that i feel good at the end of it.

my plan of dividing my workload into weekdays and weekends went really well for a few weeks, but then i kept receiving more and more work with very tight deadlines and i had a hard time sticking to my schedule. thank god i had planned to finish everything a month in advance, had i stuck to my original schedule, so i have little to worry about. still, i want to try having a better work-life balance in the future, if i can help it.

despite my shortcomings, at least my mindset hasn’t gone back to how it used to be months ago, and i know i can move forward despite how little credit i’ve always given myself.

i’ve been looking into a few things - events i’d like to participate in, books i’d like to read, movies i want to watch. the feeling that i can’t do anything new before i’m done with my workload weighs heavy on my shoulders, as per usual, and i want to work towards not feeling this way.

speaking of events, i’ve seen lots of cool stuff happening in the states such as HTML Day and the sorts, and i started wondering if i could also host something like that. not necessarily about html specifically (though that would be cool!) but it made me think back of this event that was taking place in my city pre-COVID, dedicated to watching cherry blossom trees bloom in a huge park in my city. i remember having a good time back then - it allowed me to meet some fellow anime lovers (which were pretty rare in my area, back then) when i was a teenager and i wonder if i would be able to recreate something along the lines of that, for artists or just creatives in general.

recently someone from my past, after years of no-contact, sent me a text to apologize to me for the way she had decided to end it. the way it was worded, it was obvious that it served more as closure for herself rather than anything else, that me responding was a feat, not the end goal - and yet i still texted back anyways, assuring her that i understood why she had decided to cut ties and that i didn’t blame her for it.

when it comes to this person, i had found closure long before her text, but it made me wonder - could i send that text, to someone else, too? are years-late apologies regularly met with such grace? and, most important, no matter what happens: can i deal with the possibility that i might be rejected, ignored, or worse: that this brief interaction or lack thereof might reopen the wounds that i’ve been trying to close for so long?

it would be easier, i think, if friendship break ups were talked about in the same they are talked about when it comes to lovers. i’ve heard and read countless belittling comments directed at other people. “at least you weren’t dating, it wasn’t like a real breakup,” except that it was! it is that deep and it is that important and i am inconsolable and yet. yet i have to live with it.

still, there is a strange part of me that feels incredible relief in knowing how sad i still am when i think back of some people that aren’t in my life anymore. it is gutwrenching even after years and years but it feels so good to know that i am capable of such intense love that transcends whatever differences we had in the past that led us away from each other.

all of this to say: i’ve also been thinking about online presence and what people share online. i stopped writing out my thoughts and opinions back when i stopped using facebook (many years ago) because i didn’t want imaginary people who might root against me to cheer for my defeats.

but lately, as i found myself making myself so small just so that i could not be perceived, i started wondering: does that really make a difference, at the end of the day? does pretending, out of spite, that everything goes well for me do anything besides making me even more microscopic and afraid?

i think it’s the latter, and i’m sick of it!

in short, these are the things i would like to work towards in the following months:

• productivity and balance: living in excess has never been kind to me, and i want to learn how to consume things without letting them consume me. whether it’s take out, games, people or thoughts.

• boundaries. i am a wet rag and albeit i’ve gotten better at distancing myself from semi-strangers when they disrespect me, i still struggle speaking up to my friends. i don’t think i should be as afraid as i am of looking too sensitive and being taken less seriously just for voicing out how something makes me feel.

• learning to move on: this one’s the toughest, and i have a hard time thinking i will be able to lessen my fixation on the past anytime soon. and unlike other things on this list, i’m not sure where to begin on this one. how does one move on? but i still want to try finding that answer, instead of sulking and reminiscing about people and places that i know weren’t good for me.